God has given you one face, and you make yourself another. -Shakespeare

I’ve been thinking recently about what it means to “be yourself.” I’ve been observing others and from what I can see, people change a lot…so which version is the real one? If we don’t ever change does that mean we’re sticking to our true selves…or does that simply mean we’re too spineless and afraid to change to attempt to be something better? If you attempt to be better you might fail, but does never attempting it make you better? People all have to mature and grow up, except for Peter Pan, but does maturing make you a different person than you were when you were young? But the goal in life is to become a different person…it’s to become more like Christ. So perhaps “being yourself” can actually be a bad thing. That’s one thing that really scares me though, if we were all to become perfect would we all in essence become the same person? Do I lose my personality if I finally become perfect? I don’t want to lose who I am for anything. I hope that’s not a requirement for perfection.

Tired…

I grow weary of people. I guess I’m just done with them. I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way, but it’s just so hard. I love so much, and when I let people in…I really let them in. I try to be loving and understanding and compassionate, but then they go and betray me. I’ve decided it’s not worth it. It’s not worth being there for people as often as you physically can be. It’s not worth sacrificing your time and your sleep and everything else for beings that will just turn their back on you as soon as you’re not longer of use to them. I guess it’s just that no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for them. I’ll never be amazing enough to convince them to stay my friends. I would just like to have just one good friend here in Boston, but it seems that that is too much to ask for. I don’t care though. I don’t care about anything anymore. What’s the point of school if I’ll never understand it? What’s the point of “making friends” if none of them will ever really care? What’s the point of going to church if the people that I’m trying to learn from just look down on me and seem to hate everything about me? I’m sorry I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m sorry that I’m a constant failure, but it’s okay…you probably won’t have to deal with me for much longer anyway ^.^

I just can’t wait to go home. I don’t fit here. I don’t know why I bothered trying…Sister Hakes was right. I’ve just ended up being a financial burden on my parents, and for what? …nothing….

Replaced?

I have a good friend named Peter that I have been talking to for many many years, and over those years I have been the only one there for him besides his family and the only one he truly confided in. Now this girl, Bailey, really likes him and he likes her and I’m really happy that he’s finally found someone he can be with. However, I have to admit that there’s a part of me that’s just a little bit angry. I guess angry isn’t the word, more like jealous. It feels like all of the sudden I’m being replaced by this prettier version of me, and it hurts just a bit. I guess all this time I’ve wanted to help him find someone and do well in his career and to help him just when he needed someone to listen. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that that my motivation wasn’t purely unselfish. I wanted to be the only one he could turn to, and I wanted to take that place. Now he doesn’t call as much, instead he calls Bailey. Now instead of getting rid of whatever chick calls as he’s talking to me, I’m the chick he’s getting rid of to talk to Bailey. I’ve been benched and I feel no longer needed. I guess this is what it feels like to get replaced.

Beating My Head Against a Wall

…would probably be more productive than my time here.

The more time I spend here the more and more worthless I feel and the more I just wish I could disappear into oblivion. I just keep failing and I’ve been progressively falling since my first semester. From A’s to B’s to C’s and this semester is already looking like it will collapse in on itself. I think I was wrong to ever believe I could come here and make it through. It seems that no matter how much I work I just fall again and I’m not getting anywhere. All the dream I’ve been developing about my future and where I want to be are slowly falling to pieces and I’ve finally come to realize that I am someone that doesn’t belong here. I’m not smart, talented, creative, or any of that. I will never be able to contribute to society or humanity or even just one person’s life. I am nothing but a detriment and I think that is what hurts the most. For not one soul will have breathed easier because I have lived.

I’m so tired.

Life

They say life is a journey, so I wrote a poem.

An Oceanic Adventure
Choices come and choices go
Tossing us to and fro
We have time enough to blink
But hardly any time to think
Indecisiveness is always key
If you wish to push back reality
So ready the sails; cover the stern
And be prepared to guide the way
It will be hard, you’ll constantly learn
But sometimes your course will have to sway
As you move from side to side
The stars will light and be your guide
They’ll show you where you need to go
They’ll keep your very soul aglow
You’ll make mistakes and often fail
But with faith and hope you will prevail
This voyage’s long and will be rough
But you can do it, you are tough
Do not forget you’re not alone
He’s here with you, seen how you’ve grown
This adventure’s hard, do not forget
The reason you have become so wet
There’s a purpose here a goal in sight
You must keep sailing toward the light.

The Flight Back

I would like to say that I’m glad to be back here at MIT, but that’s not the truth. I still hate this place, and now that Eric’s gone for good I feel even more alone at church. I love church, I love it so much, but I just…I don’t get along with people for some reason =\ I don’t want school to start, because I just really don’t want to have to go through all that pain and worry again. I feel like the cycle is on repeat.

I guess on a happier note, I’ve been reading Sheri Dew’s “God Wants a Powerful People” and that has really been helping me change. I feel like my heart has changed a lot more than I ever thought it could. Should the Lord ask me to give up anything, I think I could do it. Well…almost hahahahaha, I’m working on it! But the thing I am most obsessed with now is the idea of seeing Jesus Christ in this life. I went to an Institute Class before I came back to Boston, and the teacher gave many scriptural examples that say any man has the ability to see Christ in the flesh in this life, if he/she does what is required.

I want to do that. I’m going to. I’m going to be the ABSOLUTE best I can be!

Home At Last

Yesterday I flew home! I left Boston at about 5:15AM and then arrived in Houston where I got to have breakfast with my good friend, Marie and her dad and step-mom! It was pretty awesome and definitely tons of fun. I was really happy I got to see her. Then they took me back to the Houston airport and I got to fly in a TINY jet that was only 3 people across and I even got to walk out onto the runway to climb up stairs into the airplane!!!! I thought it was fantastic and super fun.

Anyway first thing I did when I got home was go eat some Mexican food with my immediate family and my Grandma Walker and Uncle James. That was very delicious and I was so happy. Then I went and visited all my silly little nephews. They were super happy to see me and that made me feel special. I love those three little boys a lot. It’s really weird but they made me start thinking about being married. I have to admit that I do really want to be married one day and have a family and everything, but a part of me feels like that will never happen. Perhaps one day if I’m lucky, but meh. Until then I have school to think about hahahahah. Should I be alone for all my life, it just means that I’ll have a lot of time to learn all that I can.

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Today was a day full of heartbreak.

I hate saying goodbyes, especially when I won’t see the person for TWO WHOLE YEARS.

But it was a success in that I didn’t cry! At least not in front of everyone T.T

End of Line.

Tron and Other Notes

Tonight Eric took me to see Tron! It was my Christmas present and it was a pretty awesome Christmas present! Graphics pwned and it was just lots of fun and really relaxing, plus I like hanging out with Eric. He doesn’t judge me, most of the time, and that’s so refreshing in a world where I feel like I’m constantly being placed into these tiny boxes people have in their heads when they need a place to stick people because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to compartmentalize each person you meet into whatever “classifications” you have in your brain. Whether it’s “jock”, “nerd”, “prep”, “mormon”, “catholic”, “jewish”, “black”,  or “white” it doesn’t matter the title, but we throw people into whatever group we want and that way we don’t actually have to get to know them. If they’re “nerdy” and you’re a “jock” well they’re OBVIOUSLY not cool enough to talk to anyway. Whatever the reason we all make compartments and we all have groups we dislike. I’ve always hated people that wear American Eagle just because it has become a symbol of the people that tormented me through school. I don’t know, I’m trying to get over it though. I want to be a person that doesn’t compartmentalize people, a person that takes the time to get to know every person I come in contact with. Anyway I don’t know why but I felt suddenly depressed last night and couldn’t sleep and now I’m here. Maybe this will make you think about what kind of person you want to be. I am of the opinion that all people should have something they’re working towards or aspiring to, what it is doesn’t matter. I don’t care if your dream is to be a pothead or a doctor or just to go white water rafting, I just want each and every person to have a dream because I feel like my dreams are the only things that keep me alive.

Midnight Dirge

Sorry for the two posts today, but I finished writing this poem and wanted to share it with you guys!

Midnight Dirge

Your vicious lullaby
lulls me awake
I can’t help but hear your voice
ring through my defenses
jarring my thoughts
the luscious notes
that play off your throat
are as sweet as honey
the song that kills me softly
a dirge
a melancholy
written for me
your melody slowly poisons me
as it seeps into my skin
saturating my blood with its
Almond-scented Cyanide
my horror enchanted ballad
you’ve written just for me
gives me comfort
as it overpowers midnight’s toll