Revenge

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves                                                  — Confucius

I never set out to get revenge, but now the opportunity has presented itself and part of me has been tempted by the idea of it. But let me start at the beginning. I love people because that is the one ability I have that I am completely confident in. I can be loyal, and I can be loving. I know that for sure. Sometimes this causes me a lot of pain. The problem is that more often than not I will end up loving people who have no regard for me. There have even been times in which I loved people who hated me. I am sure everyone on this planet has probably experienced this at least once in their life, so I don’t have to tell you that it hurts. It feels like they’ve torn your heart out of your chest and watched as you bled to death on the floor. You see just how much they don’t care, and I think that hurts more than anything.

I loved a boy, romantically. This does not happen very often, but every now and again I get all twitterpated. Anyway, I have never ever before in my life truly acted on feelings like these. And NEVER have I told the person of my affection that I cared so deeply for them, most people find that creepy…it’s best to keep it to yourself. Otherwise you get labeled, and then all the people you love turn their back on you. ANYWAY >.> I decided that this time was going to be different. I was not going to let my life be ruled by my fears any longer! So I decided I would tell this boy that I liked him. Here’s how it went down. (Names have been changed for people’s privacy)

*******************************************************************************************************************

“Hey…Matt…,” I half whisper looking away shyly.

“Yeah, what’s up?” he responds.

“I…I…I like you,” I splutter. My cheeks burn and turn a dark crimson. I feel so uncomfortable, and I have no idea what to say next. The silence is deafening. He doesn’t respond. “I like you…like you…,” I finish. Still silence…I know what’s going to happen. I know the reaction that’s on his face even before I lift my eyes to see it. 

“That’s nice,” he mutters, his voice steel. The dead look in his eyes lets me know that there’s not even an inkling of reciprocation. He jumps up from the couch and marches to his room slamming the door behind him. I am left alone in the lounge staring after him. Two or three tears break through my ironclad defenses and slip down my cheeks, staining them with trails of salt.

The next day, he acts as if nothing happened. We are friends, just like we always were. I am grateful for this tender mercy, even if my heart still aches. Even if I feel completely worthless and rejected, at least I’m still his friend. At least he doesn’t hate me.

So after a few months, I have gotten over this. I have stopped feeling hurt by him, and recently he’s been acting VERY interested in me. The time may soon come when the tables are turned. This time, he may be the one confessing his feelings to me, and part of me wants to dash his heart into pieces. It would be fair. He did the exact same thing to me. Now he expects to come to me a couple months later, and for me to have feelings for him. I know it’s because something didn’t work out with another girl. So now I’m doubly hurt. I am good enough for second best, and he thinks I will be desperate enough to just run into his arms all hunky dory. 

No. 

Never.

I may not grind his heart into powder, like he did mine. I will not be cold toward him. I will not speak hurtfully. I will be kind and loving as I tell him that I don’t feel that way about him anymore. But I will never ever let anyone treat me this way. I will not be the fool to be played twice. I really hope that one day he ends up happy and married and with a family, but it will not be with me. 

Love: The Ultimate Form of Respect

So, a lot of women in my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) are wearing pants to Sacrament Meeting tomorrow. They’re doing it in some sort of protest. They don’t feel equal to the men, and so they’re staging this protest to show that they don’t like how they’re feeling. Reading the different women that are doing this, I keep hearing that they believe God sees all of us as equals, but they have doubts about our leadership.

I don’t understand this. I am sure there are probably some bishops somewhere or men in general somewhere in the world that are members of this church that are sexist. They are probably trying to practice unrighteous dominion, and I can totally understand women in these areas feeling less than equal. I do not understand how any women that have heard the apostles and prophets speak at General Conference can think that those men are sexist. One example that I keep thinking about is Richard G. Scott. He is a current apostle, and for the last year or so he has ALWAYS mentioned his wife at least once in his talks. He has even given at least 2 talks centered around her and how she was one of the best people ever.

In fact, when I hear Richard G. Scott talk about his wife, I am really envious (I know, I know “thou shalt not covet.”). But I mean, I would give an arm and a leg to have a man that loved and respected me the way Elder Scott loves and respects his wife. AND THIS IS WHEN I REALIZED IT! People that truly love you, they automatically respect you, because LOVE is the ultimate form of respect. So really, these women that are feeling unequal are probably not being shown enough love. Or they are choosing to ignore it. I think it is probably the former of the two.

So how do we remedy this? I think the answer is love, the more I study the gospel and think about life the more I realize that the answer is *always* love. It’s true love. Not infatuation. Not wishing to please everyone. BUT TRUE LOVE! Doing things for people that you know will be the best for them. Which makes sense, the two greatest commandments both center around love. I guess I am just tired of divisiveness. I just want people to love each other.